If anything ever happened to him
by AliseAndrews
Summary: Peter never really understood his father's pain over losing a brother...until now
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: This is an original story based on the characters of White Collar. No profit will be made from this story and no copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note: This is something I thought of when I watched the season premiere of White Collar. Peter's feelings as he tries to find Neal. Enjoy!

He had never even known until he was 12 years old that he had an Uncle Joey.

He had never known there was a reason he was Peter Joseph Burke.

He had never known why his dad disappeared every April 22nd and why when he came back his eyes were red and his face was sad.

And then one day, when they were coming home from one of Peter's baseball game, his father turned and headed up the road to Robie Creek. He had only known Robie Creek as a place of fun and picnics, and he was excited for a trip with just his dad. But then his father took him to a place he had never been…to a small fishing hole with three big birch trees. And then he had told him how this was where he came every April 22nd, because this is where they had come as children…his father and his Uncle Joey.

He did not ask, because he couldn't bear to see his father in pain, but his father told him, told him about the accident, how he had pulled his 17 year old brother from the wreck with a broken arm himself, and how his brother had died in his arms as the ambulance pulled up. His father had put his hand on the back of Peter's head, and bit his cheek the way he always did when he was trying to keep from crying.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner Pete," he said quietly. "Something happens to you when you lose a brother. It's like a part of you gets cut off or broken, and you can't ever get it back. I just…couldn't ever talk about it before."

He had simply said, "I'm sorry Dad" and then just followed his dad's lead as his dad took off his shoes and put his feet in the water. They just sat there quietly, until his dad got out of the water and said was time to go.

He hadn't understood what his dad what his dad had meant then, but that day had weighed heavily on his mind lately. He thought about it as he sat in Neal's empty apartment, when he walked absent-mindedly through the halls of work. He thought about it when he remembered how his heart had broken a little as he had seen Neal's face and realized what he had to do, as he signaled to Neal that his dream wasn't going to happen. Neal was there one moment, looking up at him, and the next he was gone. And then his heart had broken a little more when he had read the transcript of Neal's testimony at the hearing.

"_I have a good job, a partner, and best friend." _

The sleepless nights started after Collins came in the picture. El, bless her, stayed up with him, listening to his theories, and most of all, comforting him.

When he had found E. Parker and especially after she had turned Collins away, he felt as though he could breathe easy for the first time. The door slamming in his face brought back the nagging fear.

He would not know until much later that his "good cop" had brought Ellen pictures of Peter and Neal together. She had told her of an extraordinary friendship that had changed the lives of both men. He would not know until later that Ellen had listened to stories of the criminals that Neal had helped bring down, and how tears had filled her eyes at the thought of Neal in a way, fulfilling his first dream of catching bad guys. So she had come to talk to his Peter Burke, even though she still wasn't sure if it was the right thing.

As he sat there in the living room, trying to connect the dots, trying to piece at together, she got more nervous and as she stood up to leave he became desperate. He had to make her understand. And so he told her what he had done, he told her he had told Neal to run and why. Even as he spoke the words, he felt the pain of them. He had in that single moment said goodbye to all the stake-out talks, the deviled ham, sharing a beer on the balcony. This unusual partnership had come to mean so much to him that work seemed hollow now. He had known it was right to set Neal free, but that knowledge did little to ease the pain of seeing him there one moment and then gone the next. It did not ease the pain of knowing he would likely never even see Neal again, let alone be there to watch him change and grow. The ache in his chest grew as he told her about Kramer's role. In the course of one day he had lost his mentor , and his partner…his best friend…his brother.

And as he told her about Collins, his voice caught in his throat because for the first time he understood…_"Something happens to you when you lose a brother, it's like a part of you gets cut off or broken and you can't ever get it back." _

"For the love of God," he thought, "_please _understand"

"Ellen," he pleaded, "If anything ever happened to him," and he bit the inside of his cheek, just like his dad, "I don't think I could live with it."

There was something in her eyes that told him that she did understand him. And suddenly he felt a kinship with her as he remembered that she had also had a partner and a brother and knew what it felt like to lose him. She not only agreed to help Peter, but understood his loss as well, and he loved her for it.

When she left that night, Peter gently kissed her cheek, promising her again to take care of "their boy."

His hands shook a little as he dialed the number and then put the phone down.

He felt the comforting arms of his angel El, around him.

"Come on Buddy," he whispered, "Come on."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: This is an original story based on the characters of White Collar. No profit will be made from this story and no copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note: Thank you to all who read and for the kind feedback. This was originally intended to be a one chapter story, but it was begging for more. Enjoy!

During the day, Neal Caffrey lived his dream. He was free, he was rich, and he was living the good life. He had a beautiful house, an ocean view, time to paint and a whole island to enjoy.

During the day, Neal Caffrey did a pretty good imitation of being happy. But, at night, when the waves crashed against the sand and the air smelled like summer and coconuts, even the master of imitation couldn't fool himself. This wasn't the dream…not anymore. As he lay in bed, night after night, he could not shake off his homesickness. When he slept he dreamed of his view, of the sound of the elevator stopping on the 21st floor, the smell of June's coffee brewing, of El's sweet smile, Jones' firm handshake, Diana's teasing grin, and Peter. He thought about the irony of it all, one lonely night as he sat on the beach and threw rocks in the ocean. Mere months ago, he had been willing to throw it all away, everything he'd been given, for a life of riches and freedom with Moz. He had started to change his mind because in the end he couldn't do that to Peter. Then gradually, he realized he couldn't do it to himself. He didn't want the life of riches and freedom. He wasn't that guy any more. But now, here they were, living off their treasure, just like Moz had planned…and all their money couldn't come close to making up for the loss of his partnership with Peter.

But it was for the sake of his friend that he could never ever go back to the city he loved. Only the two of them knew what went between them that day, and he wanted to stay that way. He had lost too much already. He needed to know Peter would be okay and go right on doing what he had always done.

So during the day he painted and swam and explored. He worked hard at it…eventually the con of being happy would become real. But at night he dreamed of home, and his makeshift family. And when his dreams woke him and the reality of their illusion hit him again, he walked the beach till dawn, when the day could begin again. And he prayed, for his family's sake, that the one man who had always found him, would simply let him stay lost.

As time went on, it got easier. After Dobbs was paid, he could breathe easier about the possibility of Peter finding him. As he fell for Mia, he began to think that one day, he might be able to call this island home. Even as he lovingly sculpted the skyscrapers and buildings of New York out of sand, he realized that he was starting to let go of his old life. Their night was perfect, the sounds of waves crashing, warm salt sea air, and wonderful company. It felt good to open his heart to a woman again. They had talked well into the night and he felt more at home than ever. He could be James. He would be James.

And then the buzz of a pager, calling him back.

He saw the number and was terrified. Ellen wouldn't have used it if there wasn't a problem…his hands shook as he pulled his pants on, as he ran onto the beach, as he dialed the number. "Everything's okay," he said to himself as it rang. "Please let it be okay."

He should have known. He should have hung up and threw the phone as far as he could…

But it was so good to hear his voice. It was so good just to feel like he was home again.

But he knew that every moment they talked Peter was getting closer to figuring it out and finding him and he couldn't let that happen. He would not go back to prison and he would not let Peter destroy himself. He was getting ready to hang up but he had to know…

"How bad did I leave things for you?" he asked, knowing full well that Peter would downplay anything he was going through, which he did. They were both quiet for a minute, and with the silence Neal knew what he had to do. Peter warned him about Collins, and he could hear the worry and concern in his friend's voice. Peter had always protected him, always watched out for him, and now it was his turn.

He told he was safe. He told him he was happy. He told him he was done. And as he told him, he could picture him so clearly in the kitchen, shaking his head in defiance of what Neal was saying. The words hurt as he said them. "_You're an FBI agent, I'm a con man_." After all their history, that's what it boiled down to…not partners…not friends…not brothers_, FBI agent and con man. _ He knew the words would hurt Peter too, he could almost see the expression on his face.

"You understand this has to be the last time," he said, as much to convince himself as Peter. And when he said goodbye, and heard the click he stared at the phone for a moment, and a part of him, feeling very lonely and lost, hoped that Peter wouldn't give up and would find a way to bring him home.

Then he threw the cell phone as hard as he could into the ocean, and he walked the beach until dawn.


End file.
